Is Codependency a Useful Term?

Imagine your close friend is a brilliant neuroscientist who invents a machine that can control people’s minds. This device can be used to control a person’s motivation and behavior through neurochemicals like dopamine and hormonal steroids like cortisol. 

On an otherwise normal day, your friend, the scientist, excitedly approaches you to reveal his invention. He points it in the direction of a mother and son as they walk through the front door of a local business. Immediately, the boy steps ahead of his mom, opens the door for her, and allows her to enter before him. All is right with the world…

Your friend looks at you with wide eyes as he says things like, “Think of all the good that could be done with this device” and, “We can use this for the good of the world”.  

“Have it for a few days to try it out - I trust you to do good with my invention”, he says confidently. 

I wonder, would you consider taking the control device to use on strangers or family members? 

We might imagine a scenario where someone manages the device, using it only in the most critical situations—such as when a person is making a grave mistake or to prevent harmful actions.

Perhaps most of us would never take such an overtly powerful device and might even scoff at the idea of the naivete of this made-up scenario. 

Yet, a central question is at stake - what are ways we seek control over those we love and how much control is ok? 

The term "codependency" is often used when discussing control in relationships. Codependency is a clinical phrase that has trickled down to the everyday person with not much practical success. Rarely do I speak with someone who has a usable understanding of the phrase, although the person may have been told that he or she is “codependent”. The phrase originated in the addiction treatment field and was used to describe a characteristic set of traits exhibited by family members and close friends of the "dependent" or addicted individual. In addiction, the codependent is dependent on the one dependent on the drug. The person becomes the addiction. So, using the phrase “co-dependent” became a way of helping family and friends of those struggling with addiction get the help they needed. 

Today, the phrase is still most often used in settings where “addiction” is believed to be a real illness impacting the ENTIRE family system. In other words, addiction is a family disease that impacts each member of the family. Yet, “codependency” has taken on a more general understanding as well, especially as books and podcasts on attachment and attachment styles have become more popular in the last 15 years. 

At the Voice of the Heart Center, we believe that codependency is still a useful word to explain a phenomenon we see every day in each person that has the courage to do recovery of heart work. 

Dr. Chip Dodd describes codependency like this: 

Codependency is the loss of self (self-trust, care, love, assertiveness), sacrificed to meet the needs of significant others, usually very important caregivers. In early life, this loss occurs because the individual feels a sense of belonging, nurturing, and importance based on their performance, or what they do. When the person begins to value the self based on “doing” rather than “being,” one can never do enough to feel fully valuable. This process of feeling valued or nurtured based on performance creates a cycle of compulsive behavior that can ultimately lead to addiction, depression, and anxiety disorders. The performer simply cannot perform well enough or long enough to attain a consistent sense of well-being. The individual continues to try to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom; there is little time to drink.

Notice that the issue with codependency isn't the act of serving others, but rather the ongoing denial of the server's own needs. We begin to compulsively, or without consideration, hide the truth about our thoughts or feelings to control another person. We begin to lose touch with our own needs and desires that leads to an obsession with another person’s behavior, trying to manage or control it rather than focusing on our own well-being. 

Phrases like “I just care too much” or “I don’t care at all” often signal that we’re neglecting our own heart and self-care.

We all struggle with our powerlessness over those we love most - it means we care deeply and don’t want to lose the love we have collected together. Yet, codependency (and our friend's invention) is like the “magic wishing apple” in Snow White that promises to make our dreams come true only to be let down time and time again. 

In other words, we cannot receive love and care from those we seek to control.